My name is Aiko Ishida and I am 28 years old. I am currently going through something that I now like to call a “crisis”. I am a senior majoring in French and Francophone Studies. I work for the state as a food service worker for a psychiatric/forensic hospital. I started working there in the summer of 2013. My job is easy, but the environment is hostile. I am no longer satisfied working there. Unfortunately, I can’t really say something like: “I am no longer happy working there”, because I never was. I don’t know what is happening to me. I love French, but I don’t care about school anymore. I have learned the way school works and I am no longer happy studying French. I love French, but I don’t like school anymore. I want to have a job and I want to work really hard. I want to provide for my all my loved ones. But more than anything I want to love what I do, anything I do. Is life really this unfair that is wrong of me to think this way at 28 years old? I thought I was supposed to be way older.
I suppose a crisis like the one I believe I am going through is bound to happen when you drop school and go off work for 2 months simply because you can’t take it anymore. That easy.
And what exactly is it that I can’t take? Well, let’s say that the weed I been smoking has anything to do with the way I have been feeling about my life lately? I mean I was rather happy right before I began smoking; or at least I didn’t complain like I do now. I can’t stand the way in which I am able to see things. I see things from every angle possible and make stupid deductions and assumptions out of them. So anyway, I can see how beautiful life can be. I have been pretty happy before, but mostly I see how ugly, unfair, evil, depressing, frightening, and hopeless life can be. I am pretty sad now at this moment in my life (Not right now, right now I am pretty chill, which is exactly why I decided to begin writing).
Anyway, my crisis is: I cannot live a normal, regular day because I don’t even know what to do with my life. I get up, I use the restroom, I walk outside to check the weather, I drink some water or tea, I walk around the house back and forth, I may wash the dirty dishes, take out the trash, maybe clean up some toys. By now, my little love wakes up and starts yelling “Mama, mama, mamaaaa”!!!!, so I go to my little love Kenji and I kiss him maybe play with him for a bit, then I change his diaper. I feed him some milk, yogurt, toast, fruit, or a smoothie. He then goes and plays with his in-home babysitter. My brother. After that I just continue to wander around the house trying to find something meaningful to do. Something really meaningful. This part of the day suck because this is exactly the point in which I realize that going to a part-time job I hate and studying something trivial while I get in debt is no longer meaningful to me. I really hate this. How can I not be willing to suck it up while I find my real purpose?… It’s like I am at a point in my life where I am unwilling to do anything that doesn’t bring me joy. Whether it may be a job, school, people, situations, etc…
By now anxiety has built up and I don’t even know what to do anymore. Whatever awaits for me the rest of the day is unknown. There’s no plan. Lately, there never is.
I find logic in the saying: “if you fail to plan, you plan to fail”. But how am I suppose to plan when I don’t know what I want?
I also read not long ago that “depression is the result of God’s absence in one’s life”… Hmm. It’s like I know this, yet I’m still standing here doing nothing.
I truly believe in a creator, but lately i have questioned some of my dearest and deepest spiritual/religious (whatever you wanna call it) beliefs.
I will stop here for now…
I will continue another time…